Surgery #2

As we all know I was in a serious accident 7 months ago (wow I can't believe it's been that long!) that left me with a femur and hip made from titanium. Hence the name The Titanium Eventer. 

I was in a ton of pain for months. Like, an indescribable amount of pain. Apparently the femur is the most painful bone to break or something, which I firmly believe at this point. As the months went on I healed. My scars got darker and are now getting lighter. I relearned how to walk correctly. My physical therapist turned into more of a fitness coach. I started riding and jumping again. The top of my femur/hip feels pretty good at this point which is where most of my hardware is. I'm around 75% I think which is an incredible feeling after literally not being able to move my leg a half an inch off the bed 5 months ago. 

My knee, however, wasn't getting any better. I didn't understand why my knee hurt so much worse than the rest of my healing leg. I didn't even injure my leg down there?? That's when I had another surgeon look at my X-Rays who was basically like "oh wow that top screw in your knee is way too long!" Great. 

You can tell in the picture above that the screw in the bottom fits while the top one sticks out quite a bit. Now, this doesn't look like much but imagine trying to bend your knee with that sticking into your flesh. Then add the weight of your body. Then thinking about that happening while walking or going up or down stairs or riding a horse. It was very painful. 

Sometimes the screw would grab onto the flesh just right and I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. It would feel like every time I moved my knee someone would stab me in the leg. I had to call into work a few times and that was a rough one to explain. 

"Sorry can't come to work because I can't bend my knee today!"

My leg would also do this fun thing where after a few hours my knee would blow up like a balloon. I kept having to send my physical therapist photos of my knee because I would panic about how big it was or my lack of motion all of a sudden. I ended up using a piece of tendon grip sock (for horses) because it was compressing enough on my knee that it would keep the swelling down so I could still work. (It's still in my car just in case because paranoid)

At my 6 month check I finally asked when was the soonest I could get the screw taken out. The answer was pretty surprising! My surgeon said he could do it that day! I made the appointment for a few weeks out because I had work and a horse show and such that I didn't want to miss. I consulted with my other surgeon who is in Colorado and he said absolutely not. He said he would kill me if I let anyone touch my leg. My CO surgeon was worried that by taking out the one screw it would cause shifting in the hardware higher up and re-break my leg or something. 

Commence hours and hours of panicked deliberation and anxiety.

I ride multiple horses and walk no less that 10 miles a day at work, not to mention all the heavy stuff I carry around. Horses are my life - I love working all day at a barn and going home to ride more horses. I couldn't imagine another (at least) 6 months with this pain. It was causing problems with how I was walking and riding. I started noticing myself not wanting to put my right leg on because when I pressed it against the saddle I would get stabbed. This gave me a fun frog like position with my knee sticking out which I wasn't about at all. Unfortunately, the more I focused on this problem and tried to fix it the more pain I was in. 

I went back and forth with my parents, my colleges, my sister, my coach - anyone I trusted. I needed them to understand how great the risks were and how expensive it would be (another $16,000) VS. how much pain I was really in (I hate to toot my own horn but I really do have a pretty high pain tolerance and I hate showing weakness). I was difficult because my parents knew how much pain I was in and were all about getting it taken out, my sister (who is the CO surgeons M.A...) knew in gruesome detail the risks of the surgery (since my leg is still technically broken, I'm not union yet), and my colleges and coach (I feel) didn't know how much the pain was effecting my life/riding/work. I felt like the only person who understood all aspects of the situation was my physical therapist/fitness coach, Shelley. 

(check out her program, it's amazing. Seriously the only reason I'm walking - not to mention riding!)

I'm doing this exercise wrong in this picture... shhh. 

My original PT and surgeon treated me like an 89 year old man. Shelly knows where I am physically and how my body heals. She also knows how physically demanding my day to day life is and what my riding goals are. I brought her my entire medical record and we went over it and discussed all the options. We finally decided that it was worth the risk if it worked. 

March 27th I went in for surgery. 

I handled it all really well, actually. Usually with this kinda stuff I have to panic about it but I was cool as a cucumber. I was more than ready to get that sucker out of my knee. 

My operation went well - no complications. I felt great after. Even made this fun little video while in recovery. (which went much better than the video after my wisdom teeth surgery...) 

   I did almost throw up in the car though. Not sure if it was because of the anesthesia or my moms driving HA (love you mom thanks for being there with me for surgery!!). But for real, I definitely went downhill quickly after leaving the hospital. I even declined Dutch - thats when you know its bad. 

I am now back to work and riding and let me tell you, the difference is night and day. It is unbelievable, the relief. I didn't have to take any of the narcotics because my knee actually felt so much better, even with the staples in. I've also made it past a week and I'm still feeling so good so my anxieties aren't as high about causing problems with the rest of my leg. I definitely feel like I made the right choice getting it removed. 

Today I finally got the staples out. The poor girl was all "have you gotten staples out before? It does hurt a little" and I was like LOL I had like 60 taken out at one time I'll be fine. 

It was pretty cute. 

(still had to pretend that the first one she took out hurt super bad to scare her because I'm a jerk)

Anyways, thats all about my second surgery! Thanks everyone for all the support and understanding through this whole thing. It was a very difficult decision to make and I'm sure everyone was quite annoyed with me going back and forth every two seconds. 

Two Truths and a Lie.

Now that I am working full time again I decided it was time to get back into weekly lessons. Today was our third lesson but I'll start from week one. 

Pancho was all about our first lesson. Maybe it was because half the arena was flooded with massive puddles and it felt like we were working on cross country water jumps - I don't know, but he loved it! 

stupid leg

We worked on things like being straight before and after the jumps. We also focused on my elbows and hips because I'm basically the tin man and have no flexibility and adjustability in either of them.  My trainer did have us do this bending line of death that made me use my busted leg a ton. It was very, very difficult but I'm happy to be working my leg. I also appreciate that my trainer is more on the 'you busted  your leg, time to move on' than being overly cautious and not having me work it.  

Lesson number two also went very well. 

Pancho isn't really one to do trot poles. Like, ever. But he trotted into them perfectly almost every time. He felt a little sluggish but I didn't think much of it. We worked on my elbows and hips again (of course) and getting impulsion in the turns instead of adjusting right before the jump. 

A little update on my leg - it still hurts every time I ride but it usually calms down if I stretch it out a bit. 

This third lesson however, wasn't good.

It felt like I had had two truthful lessons and this was a lie lesson. I wasn't riding like I should have. I was distracted and unfocused. 

I mean, I didn't fall off and nothing dangerous happened, of course, but I rode like shit. 

I have this picture in my head of how I'm supposed to ride. I mean, I started riding at the age of 4, I know how to ride - but my body just isn't on the same page. I understand that happens when you quit for 4 years and then spend 5 months recovering from femur and hip reconstruction but I'm really upset about it. 

Things that used to be second nature to me are now very difficult to do. Staying straight, heels down, keeping connection, even inside leg to outside rein I'm not executing correctly. When I ride I think to myself "what the f*!# are you doing?!" I know I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing or what I'm trying to do and I'm not happy about it. Even my position in the flat I'm not comfortable with. I just can't tell when I'm in a correct position. 

What are my hands doing?

I also had a pretty bad mental block going on that I think distracted me the entire time. Pancho came out of the trailer and was holding his back left leg up so of course I had to panic about it. Then he was super touchy about me putting his back boot on. Pancho is 24. He has had one heck of a life - was treated like crap at the track and came off with broken withers, poll, and tail bone. He also suffered from unbelievable trust and anxiety issues. The poor horse has to have a super loose halter and be fake tied or he freaks out and pulls back. 

As much as I don't want to admit this, every single day I am terrified he is going to die. 

Therefore I treat him like he is made of glass. 

The beginning of the lesson it was obvious he didn't feel well. He did perk up and get back to being the jump loving Pancho I know (or I wouldn't have continued) but I was so concerned about it the rest of the lesson. My trainer saw there was something bugging me immediately and told me he was fine and that I needed to clear my mind of the negative thoughts and post it notes of worry. I tried, I really did but even when I wasn't thinking about it my subconscious was.  

I couldn't get my leads for the life of me and I was too afraid to ask him to change. When my trained finally told me to knock it off and ask him (since he obviously does it in the pasture and it doesn't hurt him) I did and I still couldn't get it. I ended up doing simple changes the entire ride. It was so frustrating. I know that a horse wants to be balanced and when they are balanced and forward and you open your inside rein to give them somewhere to go they will change when asked but I couldn't manage to do it correctly. I wanted to kick myself in the butt every time I failed. 

There were a few positives about the lesson. 

The first is that I'm getting better at controlling my bum leg. I had to think about it super hard to keep it by the girth but it's now physically possible for me to do so thats nice. 

The next is that once I got over myself and asked Pancho to go forward we rocked our distances.

I'm worried that Pancho is ready to be done. I think he will really tell me when he is but it's this thought that goes around and around in my brain all the time. 

I don't want him to be done, I need him, but as soon as he is ready, we will be done. But how do I know if I'm over reacting because Pancho is like a glass egg to me? 

Ultimately, I had a good lesson but I was really disappointed in myself with how I rode and I hope for better rides and better control over my emotions and anxieties. 

 

The dreaded call

I was having a wonderful Friday morning. Sitting in front of the fire eating a chocolate chip cookie (okay I know... I'm trying to get back to eating healthy)

I was really enjoying that cookie though. 

That's when I got the text message from my barn owner saying that Louie wasn't eating. 

Now, let me take a step back and explain a little about Louie. Louie's number one priority in life is food. I have owned many horses and ponies and I have never had a horse be THIS food oriented. I mean, if I feed Pancho without feeding him (he can see Pancho from his stall) he will pitch the biggest fit. Like full blown temper tantrum. I saw him attack a pile of hay once - like a lion. He can fit 3 carrots in his mouth before needing to chew. My dad calls him Hoover (like the vacuum). 

So when I was told he wasn't eating I knew immediately something was very, very wrong. 

Trying to get cute sunset picture but Louie is obviously too busy stuffing his face

I called my vet as I was leaving my house so she could meet me there. 

We both arrived at the barn at the same time and Louie was in his stall doing the downward dog with a huge pile of untouched hay. His stomach clearly was in a lot of pain. 

We started with a shot of Banamine intravenously. Then he got a nice dose of Xylazine (sedation) so we could continue with a rectal exam. We found very hard fecal matter and quite a bit of sand. Consensus was an impaction. 

Next we did nasogastric tube. Of course Louie wasn't about that and gave us a very hard time. I am 5'6 and I'm pretty sure my vet is closer to 5'2 and when louie stands on his tippy toes he can get his head a nice 8 feet in to the air. Not the easiest task. We had to sedate him but, my vet is awesome and we finally got him to take the tube and swallow so it went down into his stomach. 

We got some reflux and we pumped a gallon of mineral oil and then we walked. And walked, and walked and walked. We walked for hours. Standing still seemed to be more painful for him because he would immediately go into downward dog or try to roll so we kept walking. Thank god my dad was there because even though I would have walked the entire time, my leg was really struggling after the first hour or so and I needed breaks. 

They're besties

Jannae kept saying she would bring lunch and I was being annoying and telling her no but she came anyways and brought Jimmy Johns (hallelujah) (Jimmy Johns is life). 

After around 6 hours of walking Louie still wasn't doing any better. He definitely didn't feel better just standing around so we walked some more. I called the vet to let her know he wasn't progressing and she decided it would be a good idea to come back and take a look at him again. 

He had a whole lot of gas trapped in there and was having pretty bad muscle spasms trying to pass the impaction. We gave him some Buscopan and hoped that would help. That's when my vet pulled me aside. Basically how to conversation went was something along the lines of - we still have a few more things we can try if he doesn't start improving but you need to talk with your family about surgery and possibly euthanasia.  

Couldn't imagine losing this incredible guy

I just went though a life altering accident that left me with a whole lot of titanium in my leg and over $100,000 in medical bills. Not to mention Louie dealing with a serious neurological problem at the same time - so I definitely had no possibly way to fund a $8,000-$12,000 colic surgery. I feel like a horrible person and a horrible horse mom that I can't afford that because I would do anything in the world for my horses. I dropped my entire life in New York and moved home for Pancho. I honestly care about them more than myself. However, with so many bills for my family and me to deal with I couldn't even take out a loan. So unfortunately there really wasn't much to talk about.

(If you would like to help me out please click here <3)  

We got to the point where we had decided that we had better take him to Idaho Equine. I knew they couldn't do a whole lot more but I had to be realistic about having his body removed. My current barn (especially since it was an ice rink at the time) would be very, VERY difficult to get his body out of either the arena or his stall and I just couldn't handle going to the barn everyday to take care of Pancho and having to see my baby horse dead in his stall until the ice melted. Idaho Equine would be a much more ideal place for removal. 

As soon as we had made this decision I heard a fart. Now, there were a few other horses in the arena so I just assumed it was one of them but my dad was convinced it was Louie. I didn't believe him so we walked him for a while longer until I heard another fart. This time he was the only one in the arena so it was either him or my dad or Jannae. None of the humans claimed it so it had to have been Louie. I was still skeptical so we just kept walking until I saw his tail go up and I watched him pass gas. Okay, yes I know gross... but I was crying I was so happy! Never have I ever been so happy for a fart. 

Our night was far from over though because we were waiting for the much anticipated poop. Louie, however, was noticeably feeling better and looked like he was about to fall on his face out of exhaustion so we put him in his stall and drove the car up to the stall so we could watch him with some heat on while we ate our (now dinner) Jimmy Johns. 

We stayed for a few hours while he slept to make sure he didn't slip back into unbearable discomfort. Then we took shifts watching him for an hour and then going home to sit in front of the fire for 20 minutes, then back to the barn to watch him for another hour. Around 1AM we made it back out for another check and Louie was looking much more alert. I was checking his belly when I stepped in something squishy. (Okay I didn't step in it, just saw it, but I thought that would be a nice comical addition to the story) POOP!! He pooped!! Thank God all mighty he pooped!! I immediately texted everyone in the world he had pooped. 

Still being the crazy horse mom I am, I stayed to watch him for a while more and he pooped again right in front of me. Almost like "okay mom, I'm feeling better let me sleep now".

Finally, I decided it was safe for me to go home and sleep for a few hours. In the morning he was right back to normal begging for food. 

We celebrated by blasting old Ke$ha songs that we could sing along to the entire car ride home.

The good, the bad, and the Louie

Oh, Louie. He is turning out to be quite an interesting pony. 

After struggling with neurological problems in his back and hind end and then suffering with a massive abscess, Louie was finally declared sound December 3rd. I got the okay to start putting weight on my leg on December 12th but wasn't allowed to ride until I had been walking unassisted for 2 weeks (lol I didn't ride that night... shhh... it was just Pancho... I swear). But alas, it was time to put the Louie to work. 

I had this magical plan when I bought him that I would give him 2-4 weeks off and then start him and we would work all winter and be ready to do cross rails at the first show of the season. HA. That clearly wasn't what happened. With him being crippled for the first 2 months I owned him and me being crippled the next 3 months... almost half a year has gone by and I am just now getting to work. 

For Christmas I was given a Pessoa Lunging System by my sister and I started Louie on a lunging routine to start to get him in shape while I practiced walking and gained strength. I've never been one to use tools but, frankly, I had no idea how to gauge how much of my riding ability was lost with my accident (see first post) and I was worried about confusing him with one of my legs being completely gone. I Lunged louie for the first few weeks in just a halter to get him used to my vocal cues. 

Let me tell you, this horse is really smart. He picked up on my vocals by the second day of lunging. The funniest thing is that he understands my cues but when we get to cantering he chooses to ignore them, but we're working on that. Also he came with the idea that "good boy" means 'I'm done and I can just stop doing whatever I'm doing and come look for a cookie' - so we've also been working on that. 

I finally introduced him to the Pessoa. The first day we just walked with the system super loose. He was fantastic. I could tell he was confused but he was looking to me for guidance which was great! Day two we tried trotting. 

His sassy pants got a bit smaller and he started to understand what the system was asking him to do and I ended up with this:

Once he figures out what is being asked with the connection he looks really nice. It definitely gives me confidence and excitement. 

Finally, one day we were working on mounting (because hell no am I having a horse who is a jerk when you're trying to get on) and I got a moment of bravery. Not a whole lot of bravery, lets not get excited, but enough that I wanted to be led around at a walk. I didn't have reins and I forgot how frightening it is to not have them even though I used to ride Pancho bridle-less at least once a week. 

It's difficult to admit, but, I was terrified of riding him. I wasn't even comfortable walking on my own and the thought of getting on him scared me half to death. So my second ride I had complete control of him but I did keep someone of the end of a lunge line just in case he blew up. He's a pretty cool kid but especially the first few months I had him he had at least 3 explosions every 10 minutes so that was a hard pass on the trust thing. 

However, I trusted him enough on my third ride to go solo. 

Most of our ride looked like I had mistakenly bought a giraffe and my body was made of jello. 

But to be fair, my body (especially leg ^^) was way more stable than I expected it to be. I really thought I would get on and have 0% control over my leg when in reality I have a nice 20% so I'll take that as a win. It's probably all thanks to Shelly kicking my butt once a week and designing workouts for me (thanks!!). 

Every now and again we would have a nice moment though! Usually when I was scratching his crest because that's his favorite. 

My next ride was nice but I had learned a few important things about Louie. He has no steering and no brakes. Super! I switched him from an eggbutt snaffle with copper lozenge to a full cheek french link snaffle. This helped immensely with the turning and gate sour problems we were having but any brakes we did have were thrown out the window. This was also our first day going over a pole on the ground. To be fair, we had a really nice and undramatic introduction to going over the pole and the two barrels that were placed in the arena. We also had a nice walk trot ride for the most part. He did spook a few times (which is way scarier when you have a bum leg) (also his spooks are like hop 6ft in the air and somehow end up on the other side of the arena) but my neck strap saved my butt. 

Everything was going well so we went over the trot pole and I asked for a canter and Louie lost his brain. I mean, I guess he was just doing what he was taught to do his whole life but it scared the crap outta me! 

My first thought was to do a pulley rein or pull his face into a wall but logically thinking my leg wouldn't be able to handle that kind of blunt force and I would be on the ground faster than I could say broken femur. I decided it was best to just sit up and let him run until he was done since I could trust my leg to keep me on at least (also neck strap). 

Not my favorite first time cantering a horse but I didn't die!

This actually helped me gain a little confidence back in my riding ability. It helped me see that I still know how to assess stressful situations to handle them in the safest and most logical way. Also helped me see that I can still stay on when a horse does freak which was a huge concern brewing in the back of my brain for the last 4 months. 

He stopped running after around 5 minutes and we continued our workout like nothing happened, which I was super proud of him for. Over all it was a very successful ride and I was so happy. 

Unfortunately, Louie colicked really bad a few days ago (more on that in my next blog post so stay tuned) and has now earned some time off.  

The non-physical damage

This is a post I haven't wanted to write. 

I was hoping and praying that I wouldn't have any psychological trauma after my accident but I am far enough along to admit to myself that I do. Not only that, but I feel misunderstood and isolated when dealing with it. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm severely out of my element here and I don't know how to address my problems or cope with them. 

As a child I was constantly injuring myself. I've broken both my wrists countless time, split my head open, broken my collar bone, I even broke my back. I'm not new to injuries but when I was young I knew I would heal and I know it would be relatively quickly. I thought I was immortal. Now I know that sounds stupid but not once with any of my injuries did I think I was going to die. 

 Just some nice pictures from all the crap I've done to my wrists.

I have to admit, when I was young I did a whole lot of really stupid things. Like, a lot of stupid things... I was fearless. Anything I saw was considered a jump in my mind. Neighbors fences and ditches, you name it and I jumped it, usually without a saddle. Point me at any horse and I had absolutely no problem getting on it. My favorite trick in vaulting was the head stand... I was 9. 

I have no idea whose horse this is
Note my fingers vet wrapped together HA

I've been riding since before I could even reach my legs under a tiny kids saddle. I don't remember a time I didn't have horses and wasn't in pony club and wasn't training at a barn. 

I grew up in the saddle so I suppose naturally I was really comfortable in it. 

totally rocking the bling browband before it was even cool 

Point me at a 4ft jump, cool no problem! Even if my horse didn't agree. Didn't phase me one little bit. 

Things are a little different now. I was warned about it and I expected it a little but it's effecting things I've never had problems with before.

The first months after my accident was complete misery. Not only in terms of pain but because all I could think about 100% the time was that stallions feet coming at me from above, when his feet hit me and how I landed on the cement snow barrier and fell into that foot wide space that I was stuck in with my leg twisted sickly over my other one. 

That was probably 5 seconds of time, if that, but I replayed those 5 seconds in my head on repeat for every minute of every day for an entire month. And when I was sleeping I dreamt about it. I came up with 1,000 ways the situation could have been handled differently - how I could have saved my leg. If I had done this or someone else would have done that. Even down to the little things like how I called my sister on the way to the barn that day and told her I hadn't been on a trail ride in probably 8 years and I thought I was going to die (in a sarcastic way). I kicked myself over and over for not listening to my gut instinct. Maybe if I had gone around a different snow barrier the stallion wouldn't have come after us. 

Now, I know there were two horses and two peoples lives at stake in this accident and it's a miracle that only one person was hurt and it was only one bone injured. If things had gone wrong there potentially could have been two dead kids and a dead horse. But when you're sitting there debating if you should drink any water with your pain pills because you know how bad it's going to hurt and how embarrassing it's going to be when you need to pee next... that's not what you're thinking about. At least I wasn't. I was thinking about how I could have gotten away quicker and saved everyone, including myself. This tortured me. Every single time I replayed the accident in my head it was like I was there; like it was happening to me all over again. It made me sick to my stomach I thought about it so much. I would get so hot and sweaty and I'd have to hold onto any shred of reality that I could so that I wouldn't throw up or pass out. 

Sometimes I feel as though people think I'm exaggerating when I say I could have died from this so let me lay out some facts that were told to me about breaking your femur the way I did while I was at the hospital. 

If bone marrow escapes and gets into the bloodstream and travels to the heart it can cause a heart attack, to the lungs a pulmonary embolism, to the brain a stroke. A large bone like the femur can cause severe blood loss and kill a person from hypovolemia. The broken femur could sever the femoral artery and you can bleed to death in a matter of minutes. Acute compartment syndrome may develop. 

When you're with doctors these don't seem so scary. They are well known things that if taken care of right away can be fixed. I, however, laid in the dirt in the middle of nowhere for 45 minutes and then had a 15 minute ride to the hospital. If any one of those things had happened to me I would have died in the Eagle foothills. 

I don't know, maybe I'm a big baby but this is horrifying to me. 

After the first month things got a little easier everyday and now exactly 14 weeks after my accident I only think about the accident a couple times a day. 

I initially was worried that I would be afraid to get back on a horse but that proved to be a negative as soon as I got the okay to walk on Pancho. 

The Louie horse was a little different story. The first time I got on him I was lead around at a walk in a 5 meter circle and then got off. The second time I rode on a lunge line at a walk and a trot and I was riding him independently on my third. I had reservations. I was cautious. But I was not afraid like I thought I would be. (I still thought I was going to poop my pants every time he thought about doing something stupid) (but not to the point of a mental breakdown where I needed to get off or something). 

So far we're doing good right? 

Here's where things get frustrating for me:

 I think about cantering Louie - I panic. 

I think about jumping again for the first time - panic. 

Trying to possibly go to a small local show and do 2'3 this year - panic. 

Someone mentions a stallion? - panic. 

How about trail riding? - panic. 

I see horse shoes in the wrong light - panic.

Cross country? - not for a LONG time. 

Someone gets to close to my leg with a shopping cart - panic. 

See a picture of a friesian - panic. 

It's these odd little things that really set me off. I'm not one to show that I'm having a problem so most of the time I choke down the horror I feel and then when I get home I either crawl into bed or the shower and cry about it or I get super pissy at everyone and shove as much sugar as I can down my throat. If I was able to work and had any money I would probably have a shopping problem as well. 

I tend to think that I need to console myself which is in no way helping me lose that 10lbs I gained just sitting around. 

These are directly effecting who I am. I am an eventer. I tried not to be but I came back. Now I may be too afraid to dream about even doing training again? I feel like my goals were smashed along with my femur. A lot of days I feel like I'll never make it to another 3 day event and that is heart breaking to me. But I don't know how to fight through these residual mental problems that are quickly becoming major blocks. 

Today I was putting Louies blanket back on after letting him roll and I was putting his butt straps on when someone thought it was a good idea to make some loud obnoxious noise. Louie was in cross ties, I had my hands between his back legs and he freaked and pulled backwards. Luckily I was raised in pony club and safety is ingrained in my muscle memory at this point so I really wasn't in any danger. My body knew what to do and I was out of the way in half of a step. Trying to convince my brain that I was okay, that I wasn't going to die? LOL right. I went up and held onto Louies neck and pretended to be calming him down when in reality I was holding on to him and letting him calm me because my knees were so weak and shaky that I thought I was going to fall down. I had to force myself to mimic his breathing just to slow mine and get my heart rate back down.

What is that about?? What happens when a horse I'm on bucks? What about when I fall off for the first time after my injury? What if I'm headed to a jump and I lose my mind all of a sudden? I've never done this before. I know it's probably something that I'll work through but as of now, I'm scared. The littlest things can set me off, I don't know when and I don't know where and that's the scariest part. 

I apologize to everyone in advance if you ever witness one of these episodes and I beg of you, please be patient with me. 

Please feel free to give me suggestions if you've dealt with something like this.

 I need all the help I can get.