Two Truths and a Lie.

Now that I am working full time again I decided it was time to get back into weekly lessons. Today was our third lesson but I'll start from week one. 

Pancho was all about our first lesson. Maybe it was because half the arena was flooded with massive puddles and it felt like we were working on cross country water jumps - I don't know, but he loved it! 

stupid leg

We worked on things like being straight before and after the jumps. We also focused on my elbows and hips because I'm basically the tin man and have no flexibility and adjustability in either of them.  My trainer did have us do this bending line of death that made me use my busted leg a ton. It was very, very difficult but I'm happy to be working my leg. I also appreciate that my trainer is more on the 'you busted  your leg, time to move on' than being overly cautious and not having me work it.  

Lesson number two also went very well. 

Pancho isn't really one to do trot poles. Like, ever. But he trotted into them perfectly almost every time. He felt a little sluggish but I didn't think much of it. We worked on my elbows and hips again (of course) and getting impulsion in the turns instead of adjusting right before the jump. 

A little update on my leg - it still hurts every time I ride but it usually calms down if I stretch it out a bit. 

This third lesson however, wasn't good.

It felt like I had had two truthful lessons and this was a lie lesson. I wasn't riding like I should have. I was distracted and unfocused. 

I mean, I didn't fall off and nothing dangerous happened, of course, but I rode like shit. 

I have this picture in my head of how I'm supposed to ride. I mean, I started riding at the age of 4, I know how to ride - but my body just isn't on the same page. I understand that happens when you quit for 4 years and then spend 5 months recovering from femur and hip reconstruction but I'm really upset about it. 

Things that used to be second nature to me are now very difficult to do. Staying straight, heels down, keeping connection, even inside leg to outside rein I'm not executing correctly. When I ride I think to myself "what the f*!# are you doing?!" I know I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing or what I'm trying to do and I'm not happy about it. Even my position in the flat I'm not comfortable with. I just can't tell when I'm in a correct position. 

What are my hands doing?

I also had a pretty bad mental block going on that I think distracted me the entire time. Pancho came out of the trailer and was holding his back left leg up so of course I had to panic about it. Then he was super touchy about me putting his back boot on. Pancho is 24. He has had one heck of a life - was treated like crap at the track and came off with broken withers, poll, and tail bone. He also suffered from unbelievable trust and anxiety issues. The poor horse has to have a super loose halter and be fake tied or he freaks out and pulls back. 

As much as I don't want to admit this, every single day I am terrified he is going to die. 

Therefore I treat him like he is made of glass. 

The beginning of the lesson it was obvious he didn't feel well. He did perk up and get back to being the jump loving Pancho I know (or I wouldn't have continued) but I was so concerned about it the rest of the lesson. My trainer saw there was something bugging me immediately and told me he was fine and that I needed to clear my mind of the negative thoughts and post it notes of worry. I tried, I really did but even when I wasn't thinking about it my subconscious was.  

I couldn't get my leads for the life of me and I was too afraid to ask him to change. When my trained finally told me to knock it off and ask him (since he obviously does it in the pasture and it doesn't hurt him) I did and I still couldn't get it. I ended up doing simple changes the entire ride. It was so frustrating. I know that a horse wants to be balanced and when they are balanced and forward and you open your inside rein to give them somewhere to go they will change when asked but I couldn't manage to do it correctly. I wanted to kick myself in the butt every time I failed. 

There were a few positives about the lesson. 

The first is that I'm getting better at controlling my bum leg. I had to think about it super hard to keep it by the girth but it's now physically possible for me to do so thats nice. 

The next is that once I got over myself and asked Pancho to go forward we rocked our distances.

I'm worried that Pancho is ready to be done. I think he will really tell me when he is but it's this thought that goes around and around in my brain all the time. 

I don't want him to be done, I need him, but as soon as he is ready, we will be done. But how do I know if I'm over reacting because Pancho is like a glass egg to me? 

Ultimately, I had a good lesson but I was really disappointed in myself with how I rode and I hope for better rides and better control over my emotions and anxieties.