The non-physical damage

This is a post I haven't wanted to write. 

I was hoping and praying that I wouldn't have any psychological trauma after my accident but I am far enough along to admit to myself that I do. Not only that, but I feel misunderstood and isolated when dealing with it. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm severely out of my element here and I don't know how to address my problems or cope with them. 

As a child I was constantly injuring myself. I've broken both my wrists countless time, split my head open, broken my collar bone, I even broke my back. I'm not new to injuries but when I was young I knew I would heal and I know it would be relatively quickly. I thought I was immortal. Now I know that sounds stupid but not once with any of my injuries did I think I was going to die. 

 Just some nice pictures from all the crap I've done to my wrists.

I have to admit, when I was young I did a whole lot of really stupid things. Like, a lot of stupid things... I was fearless. Anything I saw was considered a jump in my mind. Neighbors fences and ditches, you name it and I jumped it, usually without a saddle. Point me at any horse and I had absolutely no problem getting on it. My favorite trick in vaulting was the head stand... I was 9. 

I have no idea whose horse this is
Note my fingers vet wrapped together HA

I've been riding since before I could even reach my legs under a tiny kids saddle. I don't remember a time I didn't have horses and wasn't in pony club and wasn't training at a barn. 

I grew up in the saddle so I suppose naturally I was really comfortable in it. 

totally rocking the bling browband before it was even cool 

Point me at a 4ft jump, cool no problem! Even if my horse didn't agree. Didn't phase me one little bit. 

Things are a little different now. I was warned about it and I expected it a little but it's effecting things I've never had problems with before.

The first months after my accident was complete misery. Not only in terms of pain but because all I could think about 100% the time was that stallions feet coming at me from above, when his feet hit me and how I landed on the cement snow barrier and fell into that foot wide space that I was stuck in with my leg twisted sickly over my other one. 

That was probably 5 seconds of time, if that, but I replayed those 5 seconds in my head on repeat for every minute of every day for an entire month. And when I was sleeping I dreamt about it. I came up with 1,000 ways the situation could have been handled differently - how I could have saved my leg. If I had done this or someone else would have done that. Even down to the little things like how I called my sister on the way to the barn that day and told her I hadn't been on a trail ride in probably 8 years and I thought I was going to die (in a sarcastic way). I kicked myself over and over for not listening to my gut instinct. Maybe if I had gone around a different snow barrier the stallion wouldn't have come after us. 

Now, I know there were two horses and two peoples lives at stake in this accident and it's a miracle that only one person was hurt and it was only one bone injured. If things had gone wrong there potentially could have been two dead kids and a dead horse. But when you're sitting there debating if you should drink any water with your pain pills because you know how bad it's going to hurt and how embarrassing it's going to be when you need to pee next... that's not what you're thinking about. At least I wasn't. I was thinking about how I could have gotten away quicker and saved everyone, including myself. This tortured me. Every single time I replayed the accident in my head it was like I was there; like it was happening to me all over again. It made me sick to my stomach I thought about it so much. I would get so hot and sweaty and I'd have to hold onto any shred of reality that I could so that I wouldn't throw up or pass out. 

Sometimes I feel as though people think I'm exaggerating when I say I could have died from this so let me lay out some facts that were told to me about breaking your femur the way I did while I was at the hospital. 

If bone marrow escapes and gets into the bloodstream and travels to the heart it can cause a heart attack, to the lungs a pulmonary embolism, to the brain a stroke. A large bone like the femur can cause severe blood loss and kill a person from hypovolemia. The broken femur could sever the femoral artery and you can bleed to death in a matter of minutes. Acute compartment syndrome may develop. 

When you're with doctors these don't seem so scary. They are well known things that if taken care of right away can be fixed. I, however, laid in the dirt in the middle of nowhere for 45 minutes and then had a 15 minute ride to the hospital. If any one of those things had happened to me I would have died in the Eagle foothills. 

I don't know, maybe I'm a big baby but this is horrifying to me. 

After the first month things got a little easier everyday and now exactly 14 weeks after my accident I only think about the accident a couple times a day. 

I initially was worried that I would be afraid to get back on a horse but that proved to be a negative as soon as I got the okay to walk on Pancho. 

The Louie horse was a little different story. The first time I got on him I was lead around at a walk in a 5 meter circle and then got off. The second time I rode on a lunge line at a walk and a trot and I was riding him independently on my third. I had reservations. I was cautious. But I was not afraid like I thought I would be. (I still thought I was going to poop my pants every time he thought about doing something stupid) (but not to the point of a mental breakdown where I needed to get off or something). 

So far we're doing good right? 

Here's where things get frustrating for me:

 I think about cantering Louie - I panic. 

I think about jumping again for the first time - panic. 

Trying to possibly go to a small local show and do 2'3 this year - panic. 

Someone mentions a stallion? - panic. 

How about trail riding? - panic. 

I see horse shoes in the wrong light - panic.

Cross country? - not for a LONG time. 

Someone gets to close to my leg with a shopping cart - panic. 

See a picture of a friesian - panic. 

It's these odd little things that really set me off. I'm not one to show that I'm having a problem so most of the time I choke down the horror I feel and then when I get home I either crawl into bed or the shower and cry about it or I get super pissy at everyone and shove as much sugar as I can down my throat. If I was able to work and had any money I would probably have a shopping problem as well. 

I tend to think that I need to console myself which is in no way helping me lose that 10lbs I gained just sitting around. 

These are directly effecting who I am. I am an eventer. I tried not to be but I came back. Now I may be too afraid to dream about even doing training again? I feel like my goals were smashed along with my femur. A lot of days I feel like I'll never make it to another 3 day event and that is heart breaking to me. But I don't know how to fight through these residual mental problems that are quickly becoming major blocks. 

Today I was putting Louies blanket back on after letting him roll and I was putting his butt straps on when someone thought it was a good idea to make some loud obnoxious noise. Louie was in cross ties, I had my hands between his back legs and he freaked and pulled backwards. Luckily I was raised in pony club and safety is ingrained in my muscle memory at this point so I really wasn't in any danger. My body knew what to do and I was out of the way in half of a step. Trying to convince my brain that I was okay, that I wasn't going to die? LOL right. I went up and held onto Louies neck and pretended to be calming him down when in reality I was holding on to him and letting him calm me because my knees were so weak and shaky that I thought I was going to fall down. I had to force myself to mimic his breathing just to slow mine and get my heart rate back down.

What is that about?? What happens when a horse I'm on bucks? What about when I fall off for the first time after my injury? What if I'm headed to a jump and I lose my mind all of a sudden? I've never done this before. I know it's probably something that I'll work through but as of now, I'm scared. The littlest things can set me off, I don't know when and I don't know where and that's the scariest part. 

I apologize to everyone in advance if you ever witness one of these episodes and I beg of you, please be patient with me. 

Please feel free to give me suggestions if you've dealt with something like this.

 I need all the help I can get. 

All about Lou

This is the story of how I got my new Louie horse. 

Pancho has been the best partner I could ever ask for but he is 24 and is semi-retired so I decided to start looking for a young eventing prospect. Once I had reestablished myself in Idaho (after moving back from New York and buying Pancho back) I was finally stable enough to start seriously looking for a new partner. Jannae (my best friend) and I had looked and looked for months and we didn't find anything that I seriously considered bringing home. I was getting really discouraged and figured I'd have to wait until next year because I didn't want to drive anywhere in the winter.

One day I was at work and Jannae sent me a post to a mechanical horse in California that you can ride over Grand Prix courses and it helps you with your position (plus as a non-GP level rider you get to ride a GP course with a much lower chance of dying!) We were joking about how we needed to go down and spend some time on this mechanical horse to magically become incredible riders. Also maybe go to Disney Land... As we were playing around with this idea Jannae made a joke about how we should pick up an OTTB while were down there. Sounded like a pretty stellar idea to me. Next thing I know I've been sent an ad of this silly little horse from Canter. 

Pictures from his ad 

I immediately fell in love with his adorable face and those dapples!! 

He was advertised as Sharpton (AZ) a 16hh 4 year old. Raced 11 times in California (Golden Gate) only winning around $17,000 (Pancho only won $1,159 hahah!!). He was a little over my budget of $2,000 but he was the first horse I was actually interested in enough for me to look into him more. 

I ended up really liking his bloodlines (always drooled over Storm Cat babies) so that pushed my interest even higher. I finally decided I would go ahead and call his trainer and just talk with him and see what this horse is about. I called the number and his trainer Dan picked up. You could tell by the way he talked about this horse that he absolutely loved him. Dan has owned him since he was born so he knows everything about this horse. I explained to him that I'm an eventer and I planned on turning him into a sport horse and (a little to my surprise) Dan was thrilled!! He was so excited that Sharpton could possibly be going to a non-racing home where he could still be using his full potential. 

I had a few problems with this. He was in California. I didn't have a truck and trailer. He was over my budget. And I wouldn't be able to go get him for two weeks because of work (and a Wasatch show Pancho wouldn't let me miss!) Also to my surprise, Dan was happy to negotiate price and had no problem keeping him until  I could pick him up or have him shipped up to Idaho. Things were working out??? I honestly figured I would call him and he would tell me this horse only had 3 legs or something like that. 

Now was time to try to work out all the other details to possible make this happen. I'm blessed with a friend who has a truck and trailer and was more than willing to drive to California with me to pick him up. I couldn't believe that!! I had a few other t's to cross and i's to dot (like making sure to get money into correct accounts and get a cashiers check and budget for gas and find a place to stay and pick a rout to California) Magically everything worked out really well. I called Dan and was praying that no one had bought him out from under me but Dan had taken his ad down until I made a decision! I offered to transfer him a $500 security deposit to keep him for me for two weeks but Dan for some reason was very trusting in me and declined it. 

Jannae and I prepared for this trip for 2 weeks straight making sure we had every possible thing ready for him in the trailer and when we got him. We even had our friend Jen (who worked with polo horses in Flordia) drill us on the quality of our wrapping of shipping bandages so we could wrap them efficiently and correctly when we were ready to put him in the trailer. (I definitely needed a nice refresher course after being out of horses for 3 years!! So thanks Jen!)     

I think the only person more excited about this pony was my dad. My dad had already given him a barn name!! I was showing him pictures of Sharpton from his ad and my dad goes "look it's Lou Ferrigno!" then proceeded to show me these two photos side by side:

It was too true to deny, Sharpton was a beefy fella for sure. We ended up just referring to him as the Louie horse for the few weeks we were waiting to go get him. 

September 10th 2016 was the morning we left for California. 

We took two hour shifts driving and we had the Harry Potter movies playing in the background. Now, Jannae and I weren't all THAT close at this point in our relationship so I was low key (okay high key) worried that we would end up killing each other while attempting to drive 30 hours within a 48 hour period. Especially since 6 months earlier we hated each other with a firey passion because of miscommunication and rumors about Pancho while I was in New York which ended up all being false. The drive down was long but actually went quite smooth. We didn't have any problems worse than hitting the sleep strips a million times in Nevada (because they're not even wide enough for a horse trailer!!) #exaggeration. 

We made it to California and went straight to the race track that Louie was living at and we got to meet him! This barn was the worst thing that's ever happened to me because 100% of their horses were incredible! Jannae and I wanted to pack our trailer FULL of ottbs because of how gorgeous they all were. We're talking big and strong and elegant horses that somehow all had really nice confirmation. I have never wiped that much drool from my face before. Louie was all the way at the end of the barn. He was right next to a horse that looked just like him and at first I wasn't super sure which one was him. (Turns out that was his brother!!) Dan pulled Louie out of the stall and walked him around a little bit. I noticed a few things right off the bat. This horse was most definitely NOT 16hh. I wasn't sure how tall he was but I think the last time they sticked him was when he was 2! Second thing I noticed, this horse has sooo much energy. He pretty much burst out of the stall and had a nice few minutes of bucking and rearing and striking and just general rambunctious playing that was considerably more intimidating since he was way bigger than I expected him to be. 

In that moment I was like oh god, what have I just gotten myself into. But I've dealt with crazy boys before and I knew he would chill out with some time away from the track to just be a horse (okay I seriously hoped!! It's hard to be confident when you've taken a hiatus from horses for a several years to live in a massive city piled on an island and your first new horse back is a huge, crazy, and built like a tree trunk).

Dan kept telling me "oh he's a lover he just needs you to tell him to knock it off sometimes" (okay 100% true now that I know Louie!). I had a very nice mix of emotions including: terror, excitement and exhaustion. In reality I wasn't all that worried. Watching this goofy horse run around in a little circle and buck all I could see was so much potential. This horse really needs a job!! He's going crazy sitting in a stall and being hand walked. 

We parked the trailer and headed to our hotel. We left Idaho around 4AM and at this point it was around 7PM Idaho time. We had been on the road for so long and the only thing in the world we wanted was food and a bed. We get to the hotel and start to check in when the lady at the desk asks for our ID's. Okay, no problem! Just kidding it was a problem!!! Apparently someone under 21 couldn't stay in a hotel without an older member of their family. This was a problem because although I was safe because I was 21, Jannae on the other hand was only 18 therefore making us staying together in the hotel a HUGE problem. We tried everything! We explained why we were here and we told them they could talk to her parents and they weren't having any of it. 

We were so done. So over it. Please don't judge too harshly for our next actions as we just wanted to get a few hours of sleep before leaving at 3AM to wrap the new pony and get on the road. 

I had Jannae park around back of the last hotel we could possibly find and I ran around the front and asked for a hotel room for just myself. This plan worked pretty well except that I kept answering the questions with WE!! 

Desk lady: "You need to be out by 10AM" 

Me: "Oh yeah no problem. We'll be out way earlier than that. I mean me and the horse I'm picking up here... not another person... uh" 

She definitely looked at me pretty weird but just went with it. We quickly found out that this was possibly the sketchiest hotel in all of america. And by that I mean there were a whole lot of ladies being picked up off the corner and brought here right in front of us. We basically unpacked the entire truck to make sure it didn't get broken into. This included a huge Yeti cooler that weighed a million pounds. Unfortunately, our room was on the second floor so we struggled to get it up the slippery wet stairs. You know when you've just had the longest day of your life and you're so done that you start laughing hysterically because if you don't you'll probably cry or scream or punch someone in the face? That is exactly where Jannae and I were. 

We made it to the room and were way too tired to go get dinner (also didn't want to be murdered or something) so we had a wonderful dinner of Dr. Pepper and salt and vinegar Pringles. We also turned the tv on but the volume was broken?? It was so quiet (wasn't going to work with the nature of our neighbors... if you know what I mean...) and then all of a sudden it would be super loud! 

I was on the side of the bed closest to the door (which wasn't super sturdy tbh) and I remember clearly saying "Great, so when a murderer breaks in I get to die first!!". But we made it through the short night and were off to the races! (hehe get it. #sorrynotsorry). That's when the next few problems arose. We had to get all of the stuff back down to the truck which included the Yeti cooler that was a bagillion pounds. Also this cooler literally had the smallest handles in the world and the stairs were super slick. Jannae went first down the stairs with half of the cooler and I followed. I slipped and fell on my butt and accidentally dropped the cooler right on top of Jannae!! I was laughing SO hard (I don't think she was). Once we got to the truck we saw that the right mirror on the truck had been smashed. Someone clearly either took a baseball bat to it or side swiped it with their car because all the electrical equipment was torn out and laying on the ground. Super!!! First stop, Walmart for duct tape. 

We finally got it taped back on and got to the track. We got all the paperwork done and Louie was officially mine!!! We got him wrapped and put in the trailer with no problems and we were off! 

We had flexible plans including an extra day incase we needed to stop half way through to give everyone a rest but Louie wasn't about that. When we were driving he was spectacular! When we stopped all hell broke loose in the trailer and he kicked the absolute shit out of the walls. So we tried our best to take the shortest possible stops - only to use the bathroom and to offer him water and check on him and such. Jannae ended up driving for the first 6 hours straight because I didn't want to drive over Donner Pass ha! and I drove the last 8 or so until we got into Meridian. The drive went really well aside from having to unroll the window to push the duct tape back down onto the mirror!! 

We followed a truck and trailer all the way through Donner Pass. She clearly knew what she was doing and had driven this with a trailer many times because she knew it like the back of her hand. Every turn was perfectly planned out and every car she passed she knew exactly when to do it so she would go flying off a cliff. We decided to make her our buddy. We were so grateful that she got us through the mountain safely. Once we were in Nevada she pulled off and we waved and she waved back and it was a really nice moment where we all bonded I feel. 

A few hours later after we stopped for gas we're back on the road and we see a truck and trailer ahead of us. We were stuck in this middle ground where we didn't want to go 30 mph but we also didn't want to go 90 so it was hard to find a buddy. We figured we catch up to the rig and see if they qualified to be our buddy or not depending on how they were driving. It ended up being the same lady that took us all the way through Donner Pass!! She was the best. She had a really nice truck and trailer and had USEF stickers on her trailer and she had a cute dog. We debated just following her home and seeing if she would adopt us.

We did get to one point where the next city was really far away and the both of us were in the unfortunate position of 'about to wet your pants'. This is when we really became friends. This is how I knew I could trust Jannae when my accident happened not to laugh at me but to hold me hand and be with me through all the really embarrassing and painful things. We weren't going to make it, man. We ended up doing the campers squat pee in between the truck and the trailer under the gooseneck on the side of a highway. I still laugh out loud about doing that (don't act like you've never been there!!). 

Finally we made it home!! 

Not 16hh...

It was like 50° and this poor kid was freezing! 

That's how I got my Louie horse!! Stay tuned for the next chapter about when I got to the barn the next day and Louie couldn't walk and his legs were shaped like an elephants! 

2016 the best and worst year.

2016 has been a huge rollercoaster. So many things happened that I didn't expect. I started the year working in New York and trying to finish my degree; certain that New York was where I was supposed to be. I'm ending 2016 in Idaho with two horses and a whole lot of metal in my leg. 

I thought I had it all in New York. I lived in a wonderful apartment with my best friend in the whole world with my two other best friends living right down stairs. The music in New York is incredible and I got to see some of my idols (Mccoy Tyner!!) and the way some of that music made me feel is irreplaceable. I have so much love for jazz. 

I also picked up so pretty nasty habits like treating my body like garbage and smoking! (Actually started smoking in like 2013 but I finally quit in 2016!) 

I started seeing how unhappy I was with school and how it made me hate jazz. I hated playing music and I hated going to school and I realized the only reason I was in New York was because of friends. My anxiety got so out of control that I couldn't leave my house, I was in danger of causing really serious problems with my heart, and I genuinely didn't want to live anymore. That's when I knew I needed a change. I flew back to Idaho within the week to spend some time fishing and in the mountains. I needed some time to clear my head and get some medical help. 

Originally I had planned for this trip to be a week. Every time I had a flight to go back home to New York I would get to the airport and check in and go through security and get to my gate and then turn around and walk out of the airport. I don't know why but I just couldn't go back to New York. I couldn't force myself to. 

That's when Pancho came back into my life. I had sold him when I was in college and I frankly never thought I would see him again. That's when I found out that Jannae had Pancho. Jannae and I didn't get along. At all. Not one little bit. We hated each other. As soon as I found out she had him back I was like "oh hayyyy Jannae". No really, I messaged her immediately asking to buy him back. She wasn't really sure what she wanted to do with him yet so she didn't give me an answer but she let me come see him often (and we ended up becoming best friends somewhere in here too). Finally she offered him back to me and my decision was made about where my life was headed. I needed Pancho back in my life. 

I felt a huge sense of relief because so many prayers I had were answered in that moment. I knew what I was going to do. I needed to go back to New York, pack my stuff, and move back to Idaho. And that's what I did. 

My sister, Kate, and I spend 3 days straight in a fully packed car driving from Manhattan to Boise, Idaho. It was a really long 3 days but I look back on it now and I had a really good time with my sister. We laughed, we cried, we sang, we danced, and we ate all the food.

Once in Idaho I settled into my new normal. I quit smoking, I started training for a half marathon (that was supposed to be the beginning of October but I broke my leg instead lol) I rode 3 or 4 horses a day, I got a job. Everything was going really well and I was finally happy and healthy. 

I was finally stable enough in my life (financially and health wise) that I was ready to start looking for a new horse. This was a big deal because this meant I was committing to a baby horse potentially for the rest of his life. I was so excited to be solid in that decision. I realized just how much I needed horses and eventing in my life. I don't know how I went 4 years without. I looked for months to find a new horse and I just couldn't find anything I was in love with. Then Jannae sent me an ad to this  retiring racehorse in California as a joke. A JOKE. But... I fell in love with him and he ended up being exactly what I was looking for so next thing I knew we were in a packed truck and trailer going to pick him up! (Already started working on the blog post about how I got him in detail because it's pretty funny and awesome). So September 11th I brought my baby home! 

Unfortunately, the second day he was home Louie was magically SUPER broken. We're talking can't walk even a step. Initial diagnosis was some sort of SI injury. We did acupuncture and electric stimulation and chiropractic work every 3 days. He would get better and then worse, consistently. He was on stall rest and being hand walked twice a day. This all made for a very very unhappy racehorse. Since he had last raced only a couple weeks before I picked him up he was definitely still in racehorse mode. We did everything we possibly could for him. We even ended up x-raying his legs, which were clean. Then we saw a massive abscess forming in his foot. Took care of that appropriately and it blew out both the front of his hoof and through his heel so that thing was huge. Ever since then he's been completely sound. Ended up he probably had some nasty bone bruising which caused him to compensate with his back causing the pain in his back and it all kind of concluded with a nasty abscess. 

This horse went from being my prelim prospect to being called kibble (so annoying) and then back to being a serious prospect again. It was definitely a rollercoaster with him and I cried a lot about it and I prayed every single day that he would heal. Thank God for prayers answered. 

In the middle of dealing with Louie being broken I went out and shattered my femur, which we all know about (and if you don't go read my first blog post). 

I lost everything. 

I was working 3 jobs to afford all of Louies vet expenses. I had plans. I bought a car and I was on my way to buying a new $3,000 saddle and poof. All of it was gone just like that. I lost two of my jobs for good and my stable everyday job involved standing for 6 hours at a time so there was no way I could do that job either. I was sitting in a hospital bed and I didn't know how I was going to pay for board or food or vet care or farrier care for either of my horses plus a car payment and student loan payments. I felt like the biggest failure. I felt like I was the worst person in the world because I've always been an advocate for if you can't take care of your horses the way they should be you shouldn't have horses. Thankfully family and friends have been helping me immensely and both of my boys have been taken care of impeccably. I'm still not working but I think I will get the okay to soon and I'll be back on my way to being independent which will be soooo nice. I've never liked asking for help and to need the amount of help that I did (and still do!) was devastating to me.   

It's now been 13 weeks since my accident and I am walking without a walker or crutches and have ridden both of my boys twice! I'm doing extensive physical therapy (including once a week with an amazing rider who is helping me on the riding side of recovery!! Which I am so grateful for) and I am way further along in the recovery process than anyone expected. 

Ultimately I can't help but be so thankful for everything that has happened. The injury I sustained is the worst that has ever happened to me and probably one of the worst things that has ever happened to me in my life but I am even grateful for that in so many ways. I have gained incredible people and friends and I've experienced so many different things and I've made major life decisions and I wouldn't change any of it.

2016 was the greatest worst year of my life.