The non-physical damage

This is a post I haven't wanted to write. 

I was hoping and praying that I wouldn't have any psychological trauma after my accident but I am far enough along to admit to myself that I do. Not only that, but I feel misunderstood and isolated when dealing with it. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm severely out of my element here and I don't know how to address my problems or cope with them. 

As a child I was constantly injuring myself. I've broken both my wrists countless time, split my head open, broken my collar bone, I even broke my back. I'm not new to injuries but when I was young I knew I would heal and I know it would be relatively quickly. I thought I was immortal. Now I know that sounds stupid but not once with any of my injuries did I think I was going to die. 

 Just some nice pictures from all the crap I've done to my wrists.

I have to admit, when I was young I did a whole lot of really stupid things. Like, a lot of stupid things... I was fearless. Anything I saw was considered a jump in my mind. Neighbors fences and ditches, you name it and I jumped it, usually without a saddle. Point me at any horse and I had absolutely no problem getting on it. My favorite trick in vaulting was the head stand... I was 9. 

I have no idea whose horse this is
Note my fingers vet wrapped together HA

I've been riding since before I could even reach my legs under a tiny kids saddle. I don't remember a time I didn't have horses and wasn't in pony club and wasn't training at a barn. 

I grew up in the saddle so I suppose naturally I was really comfortable in it. 

totally rocking the bling browband before it was even cool 

Point me at a 4ft jump, cool no problem! Even if my horse didn't agree. Didn't phase me one little bit. 

Things are a little different now. I was warned about it and I expected it a little but it's effecting things I've never had problems with before.

The first months after my accident was complete misery. Not only in terms of pain but because all I could think about 100% the time was that stallions feet coming at me from above, when his feet hit me and how I landed on the cement snow barrier and fell into that foot wide space that I was stuck in with my leg twisted sickly over my other one. 

That was probably 5 seconds of time, if that, but I replayed those 5 seconds in my head on repeat for every minute of every day for an entire month. And when I was sleeping I dreamt about it. I came up with 1,000 ways the situation could have been handled differently - how I could have saved my leg. If I had done this or someone else would have done that. Even down to the little things like how I called my sister on the way to the barn that day and told her I hadn't been on a trail ride in probably 8 years and I thought I was going to die (in a sarcastic way). I kicked myself over and over for not listening to my gut instinct. Maybe if I had gone around a different snow barrier the stallion wouldn't have come after us. 

Now, I know there were two horses and two peoples lives at stake in this accident and it's a miracle that only one person was hurt and it was only one bone injured. If things had gone wrong there potentially could have been two dead kids and a dead horse. But when you're sitting there debating if you should drink any water with your pain pills because you know how bad it's going to hurt and how embarrassing it's going to be when you need to pee next... that's not what you're thinking about. At least I wasn't. I was thinking about how I could have gotten away quicker and saved everyone, including myself. This tortured me. Every single time I replayed the accident in my head it was like I was there; like it was happening to me all over again. It made me sick to my stomach I thought about it so much. I would get so hot and sweaty and I'd have to hold onto any shred of reality that I could so that I wouldn't throw up or pass out. 

Sometimes I feel as though people think I'm exaggerating when I say I could have died from this so let me lay out some facts that were told to me about breaking your femur the way I did while I was at the hospital. 

If bone marrow escapes and gets into the bloodstream and travels to the heart it can cause a heart attack, to the lungs a pulmonary embolism, to the brain a stroke. A large bone like the femur can cause severe blood loss and kill a person from hypovolemia. The broken femur could sever the femoral artery and you can bleed to death in a matter of minutes. Acute compartment syndrome may develop. 

When you're with doctors these don't seem so scary. They are well known things that if taken care of right away can be fixed. I, however, laid in the dirt in the middle of nowhere for 45 minutes and then had a 15 minute ride to the hospital. If any one of those things had happened to me I would have died in the Eagle foothills. 

I don't know, maybe I'm a big baby but this is horrifying to me. 

After the first month things got a little easier everyday and now exactly 14 weeks after my accident I only think about the accident a couple times a day. 

I initially was worried that I would be afraid to get back on a horse but that proved to be a negative as soon as I got the okay to walk on Pancho. 

The Louie horse was a little different story. The first time I got on him I was lead around at a walk in a 5 meter circle and then got off. The second time I rode on a lunge line at a walk and a trot and I was riding him independently on my third. I had reservations. I was cautious. But I was not afraid like I thought I would be. (I still thought I was going to poop my pants every time he thought about doing something stupid) (but not to the point of a mental breakdown where I needed to get off or something). 

So far we're doing good right? 

Here's where things get frustrating for me:

 I think about cantering Louie - I panic. 

I think about jumping again for the first time - panic. 

Trying to possibly go to a small local show and do 2'3 this year - panic. 

Someone mentions a stallion? - panic. 

How about trail riding? - panic. 

I see horse shoes in the wrong light - panic.

Cross country? - not for a LONG time. 

Someone gets to close to my leg with a shopping cart - panic. 

See a picture of a friesian - panic. 

It's these odd little things that really set me off. I'm not one to show that I'm having a problem so most of the time I choke down the horror I feel and then when I get home I either crawl into bed or the shower and cry about it or I get super pissy at everyone and shove as much sugar as I can down my throat. If I was able to work and had any money I would probably have a shopping problem as well. 

I tend to think that I need to console myself which is in no way helping me lose that 10lbs I gained just sitting around. 

These are directly effecting who I am. I am an eventer. I tried not to be but I came back. Now I may be too afraid to dream about even doing training again? I feel like my goals were smashed along with my femur. A lot of days I feel like I'll never make it to another 3 day event and that is heart breaking to me. But I don't know how to fight through these residual mental problems that are quickly becoming major blocks. 

Today I was putting Louies blanket back on after letting him roll and I was putting his butt straps on when someone thought it was a good idea to make some loud obnoxious noise. Louie was in cross ties, I had my hands between his back legs and he freaked and pulled backwards. Luckily I was raised in pony club and safety is ingrained in my muscle memory at this point so I really wasn't in any danger. My body knew what to do and I was out of the way in half of a step. Trying to convince my brain that I was okay, that I wasn't going to die? LOL right. I went up and held onto Louies neck and pretended to be calming him down when in reality I was holding on to him and letting him calm me because my knees were so weak and shaky that I thought I was going to fall down. I had to force myself to mimic his breathing just to slow mine and get my heart rate back down.

What is that about?? What happens when a horse I'm on bucks? What about when I fall off for the first time after my injury? What if I'm headed to a jump and I lose my mind all of a sudden? I've never done this before. I know it's probably something that I'll work through but as of now, I'm scared. The littlest things can set me off, I don't know when and I don't know where and that's the scariest part. 

I apologize to everyone in advance if you ever witness one of these episodes and I beg of you, please be patient with me. 

Please feel free to give me suggestions if you've dealt with something like this.

 I need all the help I can get.