2016 the best and worst year.

2016 has been a huge rollercoaster. So many things happened that I didn't expect. I started the year working in New York and trying to finish my degree; certain that New York was where I was supposed to be. I'm ending 2016 in Idaho with two horses and a whole lot of metal in my leg. 

I thought I had it all in New York. I lived in a wonderful apartment with my best friend in the whole world with my two other best friends living right down stairs. The music in New York is incredible and I got to see some of my idols (Mccoy Tyner!!) and the way some of that music made me feel is irreplaceable. I have so much love for jazz. 

I also picked up so pretty nasty habits like treating my body like garbage and smoking! (Actually started smoking in like 2013 but I finally quit in 2016!) 

I started seeing how unhappy I was with school and how it made me hate jazz. I hated playing music and I hated going to school and I realized the only reason I was in New York was because of friends. My anxiety got so out of control that I couldn't leave my house, I was in danger of causing really serious problems with my heart, and I genuinely didn't want to live anymore. That's when I knew I needed a change. I flew back to Idaho within the week to spend some time fishing and in the mountains. I needed some time to clear my head and get some medical help. 

Originally I had planned for this trip to be a week. Every time I had a flight to go back home to New York I would get to the airport and check in and go through security and get to my gate and then turn around and walk out of the airport. I don't know why but I just couldn't go back to New York. I couldn't force myself to. 

That's when Pancho came back into my life. I had sold him when I was in college and I frankly never thought I would see him again. That's when I found out that Jannae had Pancho. Jannae and I didn't get along. At all. Not one little bit. We hated each other. As soon as I found out she had him back I was like "oh hayyyy Jannae". No really, I messaged her immediately asking to buy him back. She wasn't really sure what she wanted to do with him yet so she didn't give me an answer but she let me come see him often (and we ended up becoming best friends somewhere in here too). Finally she offered him back to me and my decision was made about where my life was headed. I needed Pancho back in my life. 

I felt a huge sense of relief because so many prayers I had were answered in that moment. I knew what I was going to do. I needed to go back to New York, pack my stuff, and move back to Idaho. And that's what I did. 

My sister, Kate, and I spend 3 days straight in a fully packed car driving from Manhattan to Boise, Idaho. It was a really long 3 days but I look back on it now and I had a really good time with my sister. We laughed, we cried, we sang, we danced, and we ate all the food.

Once in Idaho I settled into my new normal. I quit smoking, I started training for a half marathon (that was supposed to be the beginning of October but I broke my leg instead lol) I rode 3 or 4 horses a day, I got a job. Everything was going really well and I was finally happy and healthy. 

I was finally stable enough in my life (financially and health wise) that I was ready to start looking for a new horse. This was a big deal because this meant I was committing to a baby horse potentially for the rest of his life. I was so excited to be solid in that decision. I realized just how much I needed horses and eventing in my life. I don't know how I went 4 years without. I looked for months to find a new horse and I just couldn't find anything I was in love with. Then Jannae sent me an ad to this  retiring racehorse in California as a joke. A JOKE. But... I fell in love with him and he ended up being exactly what I was looking for so next thing I knew we were in a packed truck and trailer going to pick him up! (Already started working on the blog post about how I got him in detail because it's pretty funny and awesome). So September 11th I brought my baby home! 

Unfortunately, the second day he was home Louie was magically SUPER broken. We're talking can't walk even a step. Initial diagnosis was some sort of SI injury. We did acupuncture and electric stimulation and chiropractic work every 3 days. He would get better and then worse, consistently. He was on stall rest and being hand walked twice a day. This all made for a very very unhappy racehorse. Since he had last raced only a couple weeks before I picked him up he was definitely still in racehorse mode. We did everything we possibly could for him. We even ended up x-raying his legs, which were clean. Then we saw a massive abscess forming in his foot. Took care of that appropriately and it blew out both the front of his hoof and through his heel so that thing was huge. Ever since then he's been completely sound. Ended up he probably had some nasty bone bruising which caused him to compensate with his back causing the pain in his back and it all kind of concluded with a nasty abscess. 

This horse went from being my prelim prospect to being called kibble (so annoying) and then back to being a serious prospect again. It was definitely a rollercoaster with him and I cried a lot about it and I prayed every single day that he would heal. Thank God for prayers answered. 

In the middle of dealing with Louie being broken I went out and shattered my femur, which we all know about (and if you don't go read my first blog post). 

I lost everything. 

I was working 3 jobs to afford all of Louies vet expenses. I had plans. I bought a car and I was on my way to buying a new $3,000 saddle and poof. All of it was gone just like that. I lost two of my jobs for good and my stable everyday job involved standing for 6 hours at a time so there was no way I could do that job either. I was sitting in a hospital bed and I didn't know how I was going to pay for board or food or vet care or farrier care for either of my horses plus a car payment and student loan payments. I felt like the biggest failure. I felt like I was the worst person in the world because I've always been an advocate for if you can't take care of your horses the way they should be you shouldn't have horses. Thankfully family and friends have been helping me immensely and both of my boys have been taken care of impeccably. I'm still not working but I think I will get the okay to soon and I'll be back on my way to being independent which will be soooo nice. I've never liked asking for help and to need the amount of help that I did (and still do!) was devastating to me.   

It's now been 13 weeks since my accident and I am walking without a walker or crutches and have ridden both of my boys twice! I'm doing extensive physical therapy (including once a week with an amazing rider who is helping me on the riding side of recovery!! Which I am so grateful for) and I am way further along in the recovery process than anyone expected. 

Ultimately I can't help but be so thankful for everything that has happened. The injury I sustained is the worst that has ever happened to me and probably one of the worst things that has ever happened to me in my life but I am even grateful for that in so many ways. I have gained incredible people and friends and I've experienced so many different things and I've made major life decisions and I wouldn't change any of it.

2016 was the greatest worst year of my life.